i saw some birds flying across the sky today. nothing out of the ordinary, but it made me think. imagine soaring a hundred feet about the ground, and thats just what youre meant to do. in a strange way im kind of jealous. birds have it so good.
thats all really. i just had the thought and figured id write it down.
z
sorry for no updates in a bit. i got sick. being sick is such a strange experience in that you forget what it feels like to be normal. i guess the opposite is true too; when you havent been sick in a while you look back at those times you were bedridden and wonder how it happened too. other weird thing about being sick, and it hasnt really happened to me since i was much younger, but when i was a kid id always have the same nightmare during nights before id wake up sick. i dont remember the details besides feeling real, existential dread during these nightmares. i havent experienced it in years, but its a relic of my childhood i often find myself wondering about. im not sure what my point here is besides just wanting to talk about this somewhere.
anyway, i think that journaling here has been good for me. not just in the obvious way of getting my surface-level thoughts and feelings out, either. its forced me to think, to wonder, and to be honest with myself in ways i havent been comfortable with before. i think thats a beautiful thing, like ive evolved past just accepting my raw thoughts and instead im taking the time to process it all when i write it out.
last thing for today—was drawing just a phase? i dont know. i thought getting a tablet would bring my drive back, but it hasnt really. motivation is weird for me like that. i do really want to get back into it. its an awesome skill to have and i love seeing my finished products. being able to make what i want makes me really happy. i know its a little early for this, but for the month of march i want to draw something every day and post it here. now i have a clear goal to hold myself accountable to; i hope i can stick to it.
thats all, i think.
z
my tablet got here yesterday! i still have ways to go to get comfortable drawing on it, but i see the potential already. the first thing that popped out at me is how much pressure is required to draw visible lines. im not sure if thats something i can adjust somehow or if i have to get used to pressing hard. overall though it seems to work well and im glad i bought it.
besides that things have been okay. as long as i keep myself around people im able to keep my spirits up. this weekend was tough since i kind of shut myself off from others. i really need to stop doing that.
i think thats all for today.
z
heck yeah daily posting :3 anyway things are good. i have a free weekend to chill out now, so i think ill try to focus back up on art. my tablet is supposed to get here on tuesday, so my setup is still a little silly until then. regardless ive been slacking off so id better get back into the habit.
besides drawing stuff ive seen myself being a lot more creative in life than i typically have been. when i was very young i was super into crafts and doodling, but it just didnt stick with me as i grew up. i struggled a lot through my teenage years because i always liked art, but it didnt really come naturally anymore. only recently have i found motivation to pick up on things again, make things, and not care that im pretty bad starting out. not just the drawing i post here either; ive been dabbling with origami, bracelet-making, and some other crafty stuff. making things and being able to express and explore myself in these new ways has been such a positive thing for me. i just feel free in a way that i havent in a long long time.
im learning more about web design and other tech stuff recently as well. ill probably try and liven up this site a bit in the coming days and weeks. not sure exactly what i want to do yet but i know theres tons of room to improve here.
thats all i have for now. ill try and post again tomorrow. see you then.
z
its been a bit. im just about caught up on life now. it feels good. this has been a really good year for me in terms of developing and improving myself. i went into it with more problems than im comfortable admitting here, and now im through most of that and bettering myself in ways i wouldnt have even thought of a month ago. ive been trying some meditation stuff and eating a little healthier, mainly. its nothing too extravagant, but these little steps feel good and i know in the long run ill be glad i took them.
while im on this high, i think ill talk about something less comfortable for me—identity. i try and be an authentic version of me wherever i can, but i practically never open up my whole honest self to anyone. a part of that comes from the fact that i dont think im really done figuring things out myself. maybe opening up here will help me come to terms with things, or find people who help me understand myself, or something. i dont know, but worth a shot, yeah?
at the highest level, id just call myself unlabelled. yeah, a part of that is from not being completely sure myself. it makes it easy to avoid even my own questions. but i also just dont like labels, or more accurately trying to fit into some and calling it identity. no matter what labels i find, they cant and wont tell the whole story and that kind of bothers me. but maybe thats just avoidant behavior stopping me from finding myself. so lets explore a little deeper.
if i have to give myself some kind of label, gender-wise, i think im some kind of genderfluid? okay, wow. ive thought the thought in my head for a while but it feels different to type it out and actually have it out there. but yeah. anyway, i naturally dont know how to fully construe my experience in words, but lets try. one of the common tropes ive heard from trans people is that some of their first impactful understanding of gender came from starting a pokémon game and picking their trainer character. i started a save in pokémon black recently, and i was that, but i just couldnt choose. both designs are so cool! i just knew if i picked one id wish i picked the other at some point. physically im sort of there too. im at peace with my body and i dont feel a need to change, but of course the thought crosses my mind sometimes, and if there was no social, timely, or monetary cost then it would be neat to be different sometimes!
i dont expect that i explained everything perfectly, but its good to get all that out just this once. thats all i have for now. this was a longer one, and an uncomfortable one. but it was fun.
z
things are pretty good for me right now. i feel like i finally have a grip on things i was struggling to stay motivated with for a while. im addressing my problems little by little and crawling back from the rough spot ive been in. i think its been a big help that im working more now and im able to see my friends a little more. i never really think of myself as a super social person, but ive definitely gained back a lot of the energy i was missing thanks to just being around people again.
ill probably order a drawing tablet in the next week. thatll hopefully get me back in gear on art again. ive had a lot of ideas in the meantime but its so cumbersome without the right tools.
thats all for tonight.
z
i cant sleep so i guess this is good a time as ever to write something new here. the past few weeks and especially the past couple days have been dragging for me. i found myself taking naps just to pass a couple extra hours. its not even that theres nothing to do, but rather that i havent had a strong drive for much recently.
in the morning things will be different. work is picking back up and that means more stress but also more money and more freedom again. i just have to make sure to keep myself motivated and life will be good.
thats all for now. good night.
z
ive been going out for walks more often recently. its so easy to forget how refreshing nature is when you hide away indoors for a while. ive felt more in-touch with myself lately and i dont doubt this has helped with that. ill to try and keep this habit up.
im hoping to do more with art soon too. motivation has been slow since currently my setup consists of my laptop and its trackpad. its feature-lacking and makes my finger hurt! ill buy a tablet soon. if anyone has any cheap recommendations feel free to reach out.
i think thats all ive got for now. things are going to be busier soon, but ill try and keep this updated. thanks for reading.
z
